MICHE: Guess how many sleeps it is till the wedding?
One day?
A hundred and twenty, close.
"Beseski"?
"Solla"? What?
Where is all that?
Why is everything written in foreign?
Have you been shopping at that fake supermarket again?
Yeah, just 'cause, you know, we need to save a little bit
of money for the wedding fund.
It still tastes the same. Doesn't it, Ange?
Sort of.
Coco Krisps?
These are fake Coco Pops!
It hasn't even got the monkey on the front.
(SIGHS)
It's like the cereal version of two stripe tracksuit bottoms!
You know I wouldn't be seen dead in them.
GRINDAH: Great, it didn't even turn the milk chocolatey.
INTERVIEWER: So, is Grindah contributing much
to the wedding fund?
MICHE: Er... He hasn't put loads towards it yet,
but he did contribute the jar itself
and that's obviously a massive help.
It's actually his old weed jar
but I've just written "wedding fund" on it.
So now it looks like a completely different jar.
You can probably see a few bits at the bottom still, but...
(GROANS) Oh, I forgot about that.
Another letter from her royal majesty.
Funny how a moment of madness
can change your life forever, isn't it?
INTERVIEWER: What's the letter?
Ah... Just... I can't really talk about it at the moment, mate.
INTERVIEWER: Okay.
But what I will say is...
it's just another bit of trouble with the law again,
d'ya know what I mean, like? But they can't hold me down.
"Court case pending."
Basically, he got caught dropping a cigarette
and then he refused to pay the fine, so...
I mean, what do they expect people to do?
Walk around with their own ashtrays or something? I mean...
It's political correctness gone mad.
Na-na-na-na hey There's my nan
There he is, there he is!
(KISSING)
- You all right, love? Yes. - Yes.
Thank you for coming, I didn't expect you.
Sorry, man, I'll just squeeze on there.
Make yourself comfortable.
Did you get your prescription through today?
Yes, thank you. Yes, thank you.
That's good, innit?
Yes, thank you. That reminds me.
Won't keep you a moment.
(STEVES CHEERS)
You talk amongst yourselves!
Yes!
Prescription day! It's really exciting.
DIY!
Every champion needs his belt.
And I am DIY champion of the world.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm definitely a handyman, you know,
I'm the guy you call. I'm the handy guy,
Handy Peters.
(GROANS) Breathe in.
I did everything myself,
I came here and built an empire by myself. Yeah?
Built the perfect home for myself,
built the perfect wife for myself, then she...
You know what happened. But I'm a very DIY guy.
(KNOCKS)
STEVES: Nah, it's impossible,
there's too many pieces.
Should just come already done, innit?
- Hi, Steve! - All right, Nan!
- That enough? - Yeah, that's perfect.
Amazing.
You planning a big do are you?
No, no, no, it's just a DJ set.
But it's like an eight hour one, so it's quite a big deal for me.
I would say drugs can definitely help you to be, like, more creative,
'cause look at some of the best music ever made,
it's made by people that were just off their nut on drugs.
INTERVIEWER: Do you think drugs have helped your music career?
I wouldn't be where I am today,
if it wasn't for the drugs, I'll say that much.
Make sure you give your old nan a good shout out!
Obviously.
Shout out my nan, each and every!
Shout out the Jigsaw Crew.
NAN: Yes! Yes!
Shout out the old Colostomy Bag Crew!
(LAUGHING)
- Hi. - Roche!
How you doing? You all right?
- I'm all right, how are you? - Here to get busy.
Okay. Nothing structural.
- Hey! (LAUGHS) - DJ BEATS: Chabzy!
- DIY! - Yes!
DIY!
- Just be sensible yeah? - All right, all right, yeah.
- No worries. (LAUGHS) - Just be sensible. Nothing massive.
- That's what she said! - (LAUGHING)
ROCHE: Yeah, that is what she said.
Okay. Skin loafers are not...
DJ BEATS: Yeah, I actually promised Roche
that I'd get the baby's room ready in time for the birth.
It's actually called "nesting".
Yeah, it's what birds do,
but obviously without using twigs or spit.
Hey, just throw it, just throw it, it's fine.
INTERVIEWER: So you got Chabuds in to help you with the baby's room?
Yeah, I mean Chabuds is one of those guys
that can do anything, and I thought, you know,
like, he's cheaper than getting a proper painter in.
DJ BEATS: On this wall, right,
I was thinking maybe we could have a memorial,
with, like, loads of cartoon characters in it,
because kids love that, innit?
They do love that.
Yeah, I can do that for you no problem.
I mean, have all the classics, you know?
I have the Mickey Mouse, the Goofy Ducks...
I can do that for you, no problem, mate.
Brilliant, brilliant.
Craig, do you wanna come in and help your old man? Craig?
- (DOOR SLAMS) - Craig?
INTERVIEWER: So, you're gonna have a sister,
are you good with girly things?
Obviously not.
- He used fake tan once. - Yeah.
CRAIG: But that was just an error.
I once showered as well, with Roche's thing called Jolene.
I lost all my body hair.
I'm a bit worried about Craig actually.
Yeah.
Apparently, when you have a new kid, right...
sometimes, the older kid feels a bit left out.
Yeah, I've heard about that. You know what you need to do,
you need to get a piece of clothing,
a piece of cloth, from the baby...
Yeah, okay.
...and put the cloth directly under Craig's nose while he's sleeping,
that way subconsciously he will not feel threatened
by the baby child. You know?
Yeah... I think that's dogs.
- Actually that is dogs. - Yeah.
That's dogs.
TANYA: Yeah, that's probably enough actually,
because you've put gel on there as well.
I'm just going to give him some of this extra firm hold so that...
TANYA: Yeah, not too much!
I think he's probably got quite a lot of product on that.
Oh, Miche, I've got the details of that make-up artist
we used for my wedding.
Amazing. Thank you!
I don't know what the budget is yet
because Grindah's got his court case tomorrow.
He still hasn't paid that fine? That's mental!
I know, I'm worried it's gonna go up loads.
I read about this woman who disputed her parking fine
and she ended up having to pay loads more.
She had to sell her car.
Well, we'll be fine then because we haven't got a car. So...
I think it looks amazing.
CHABUDDY G: Listen to that, creates a nice swoosh effect.
Just be at one with the paint.
- Nice. - Really get into it, you know?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
No, It's all right, the pregnant lady'll get it.
Hello, you here to help as well, are you?
- Huh? Nah. - No?
What are you here for then?
What am I here for? Beats wants me in my last hour.
Oh, that's right, sent down for a cigarette.
- Yeah, I could be, so... - I know.
- Yeah, you know. - It'll be awful.
Yeah, you'll be awful.
How you boys doing? You all right, yeah?
DJ BEATS: Yeah, so...
- Easy, boys. - Grindah.
Yes, thanks for coming, man.
- No worries. - Thanks for helping out.
Nah, nah, none of that.
I got court tomorrow so I can't have any paint on me.
Oh, yeah, big day, innit? Course.
(SIGHS) Never noticed that tree before.
Funny things you notice when your freedom's at stake, innit?
DJ BEATS: Yeah...
INTERVIEWER: Is jail tough?
GRINDAH: Depends who you are, mate.
Not for me, d'ya know, what I mean, like?
Fucking... Jail's jail, innit? You know, I mean, do your ting,
you ride it and you duck out, like.
You packed your jail bag yet?
- Good point. - Cool.
Make sure I've got all the jail essentials...
Apart from the contraband shit of course,
there's other ways of getting that in there.
Yeah.
Grindah said he went to the hardest prison in England.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- That's why he got bullied. - No, I didn't get bullied.
They had to move me to protect the others.
Yeah, they said he was on a wing with all the snitches and paedos...
You're constantly saying that.
(GARAGE MUSIC PLAYS)
GRINDAH: Hold tight all the Hanworth Crew locked in, yeah?
DJ BEATS: Yes!
Heston Massive, Isleworth Crew, where you at?
Say say.
Just a reminder about the change of schedule tomorrow.
We're gonna be at court, so, DJ Steves
will be doing an eight hour marathon set.
Trust me.
Make sure you lock in for that one.
GRINDAH: We'll be leaving you in the capable hands
of a man like Stevie.
Innit, Steves? Tomorrow, the set?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Definitely, good to go. - He knows how to fucking do it.
- Grindah. - I got that.
- What's that? - That's my set list.
- Planned and everything? - Yeah.
Good, man.
Yeah, I can plan things like when I need to.
Like, if I put my mind to something
I can normally do it.
Like, one time I went Glastonbury, didn't have a ticket,
spent two days digging under the fence.
Managed to catch the last two hours.
All for free.
Hold tight the crew inside, yeah. Big up.
Big up anyone that ain't heard, I will be going court tomorrow,
because that dutty babylonian
are trying to take me down yet again.
- Bun down babylon. - Yeah, bun dem.
Feel free to come down and smash up the place.
Yeah, don't say "smash up the place",
'cause then they'll trace it back to me, you freak.
Don't smash up the place but just come down with placards,
and banners, and fucking megaphones,
and all that, d'ya know what I mean, like?
Yeah, should be good.
(GROANS)
Good day's work.
(SIGHS)
You all right, Craigy?
Yeah, I'm good.
Hey, nice room you got here, mate.
Cool posters.
Listen, erm...
Uncle Chabzy just wanted to have a word with you,
if that's all right?
You don't have to be worried about the baby, okay?
Kevin loves you very, very much.
- What? - Don't be embarrassed, mate.
Hold that baby tight to your bosom.
Okay?
That little baby will cherish the nourishment
from your bosoms for a thousand lifetimes.
- Okay? - Yeah.
Just think about it, mate.
Hey, Craigy, cherish it.
Goodnight, mate.
What you doing, mate? Put the light on!
- Want that? - Yeah, yeah.
I can't believe, like, this is actually happening.
Do you think you will get sent down?
Ah, you never know with these things, you know?
- Only time will tell. - STEVES: It does happen, man.
Remember Fat Pete the other week,
he went down for a little driving thing.
Yeah.
What do you mean, he went down for a driving thing?
You can't just go down for some...
Yeah, he was trying to dispute it.
That's bollocks.
Decoy, you can't get sent down just for little things can you?
Yeah, definitely. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Fully sent down? - Yeah.
DJ BEATS: My mate Darren was saying that if you've got previous,
apparently you get a harsher sentence.
I've had previous!
Yeah, I just... I don't know what to do, man.
- I'm sorry. - It's all right, l...
Look, if you do go down we'll look after radio,
you ain't got nothing to worry about, like.
Me and Steves, anything you need, like. Anything.
Fuck off me, I'm not getting fucking
sent down for dropping a cigarette on the floor.
That would be fucking mental.
Wouldn't it?
GRINDAH: That bits still out there.
MICHE: Yeah, I know.
- Yeah, but that bit is out. - Yep.
I just wanna make sure everything's smart.
Yeah, I know. It is, look, smart.
- Yeah? - Yeah, thanks.
(SIGHS)
Not too tight, I'm gonna have the Avirex on over this.
Just don't make it any worse. You just need to plead guilty
and pay the eight pound for the original fine.
That's all you need to do.
I'm not pleading guilty. Guilty means automatic prison.
Stop putting things in my head. I can't concentrate.
You're not going to go prison.
The less you argue the less the fine will be.
Just think about the wedding.
Fuck the wedding.
This is my happiness that we're talking about, it's my life.
What do you reckon boys? Is that all right?
- See you later. - Bye.
(GARAGE MUSIC PLAYS)
NAN: (RECORDING) You're locked into the sounds of DJ Steves.
Shout out my nan.
Thanks for the care package.
It's given me everything I need...
to get through the day.
Coming up over the next eight hours
we will be bringing you:
Vocal garage, speed garage,
garage, darkside garage,
grime, jungle,
dub for Decoy. Shout out Decoy.
Drum and bass,
and some various hardcore tunes
that are the only ones Grindah likes.
(COUGHS
Right.
You've got to use what's around you, gotta be creative.
I could transform this.
I see things right now you will never see in your life.
Look at this. What do you think that is?
INTERVIEWER: It's a watering can.
- Is it? - INTERVIEWER: Yeah.
Yeah. You know what I see?
- INTERVIEWER: What? - It's a loudspeaker.
Hello!
Very simple way of thinking you have.
(KNOCKS RHYTHMICALLY)
ROCHE: How come you're not down the court house
with the rest of the Grindah Appreciation Society?
I like to stay away from courtrooms,
you know, I mean, just in general,
they ask too many questions.
"What's your name?"
You know, so I like to keep my head down,
stay off the radar.
Oh! (CHUCKLES)
Very nice. Very daring. (CHUCKLES)
Are you finished upstairs?
Yeah, I'll crack on. Got a bit more to do.
I dunno. What do you reckon?
Done up or undone?
Maybe just not wear it at all, man.
What? This is a two hundred pound jacket, mate!
I've trying to look as smart as possible!
DJ BEATS: Easy.
Got you a Maccies with like twenty nuggets
- for your last meal. - It's not my last meal.
Stop going on like I'm going to jail constantly.
Actually, let me have the chips.
- I'm feeling a bit light-headed. - Just the chips, yeah?
Yeah, quick, quick!
I can't eat, I can't eat, take it.
Good morning.
Name?
Tony.
Zagravos.
What?
Zagravos.
There's nothing wrong with it, it's Greek.
All good?
Could I have a quick word with you please, mate?
Is there any way we can just call this all off?
I've got the eighty quid on me now.
We can just save everyone's time.
(CHUCKLES) I can't do that I'm afraid.
I get where you're coming from, but no-one has to know, yeah?
Just literally ignore the envelope.
Act like it never happened.
Can you make your way to Court Four please?
Please, there's eighty quid in there,
you can just have that.
Court Four.
All right. All right, get off me.
Bang them doors, brother!
- Free Grindah! - Bruv, stop saying that!
- Bang them doors! - I haven't even got doors yet.
Stop saying that.
INTERVIEWER: How would you do in jail?
DJ BEATS: I'd be all right because last time
Grindah went jail, I actually learnt how to plug things.
INTERVIEWER: What do you mean by plug things?
Plugging?
You put things in a condom and you plug it.
INTERVIEWER: Oh. What, up?
Yeah, I got an N-Gage up there.
INTERVIEWER: A whole N-Gage?
Yeah... and a charger.
(PHONE CAMERA CLICKS)
INTERVIEWER: Are you worried about Grindah's fine?
MICHE: Yeah, I really don't want it to affect the wedding budget.
So, I reckon if I could just sell a few things and I could make
the eighty pounds,
then we won't have to cut back on any essentials.
Like, I'm really worrying about the cost of pony rental now.
Nothing like a good bit of carpentry.
Very holy. Like Jesus, isn't it?
Very good with wood. (CHUCKLES)
This will go on here,
keep the baby nice and safe.
The other thing about this cot, yeah?
They can stick this bad boy out into the garden, yeah,
nice bit of weather, have a lovely barbecue, mate.
"What do you want? Do you want a burger, mate?"
(CHUCKLES) "Get the Pimps, mate, let's have a nice glass of Pimps."
(CHUCKLES)
Two in one: Barbecue grill...
...baby's cot.
Just... fold that bit.
Baby's cot.
(GARAGE MUSIC PLAYS)
Love it when it doesn't overflow.
Right.
You're listening to the sounds of DJ Steves
taking you through.
We've got a little bit of grime coming up for you... Sorry.
No, we've got jungle coming up for ya and then... Oh, my God!
No fucking way!
No, no. Fucking hell!
It's gone in my eyes.
It's in my eyes! I've got piss in my eyes.
Fuck's sake... The list is fucked and I'm covered in piss.
I should have just gone fucking toilet, it's only there.
I can't sit around anymore, I gotta be in there, man.
- I'm gonna wait outside, yeah. - Yeah? Sure?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
DJ BEATS: If Grindah goes jail, yeah, and Kurupt FM dies,
it's not just me or the Kurupt FM boys that are let down,
but it is the listener, and I think that's what hurts the most.
Just knowing that there's like tens of hun...
Ten to a hundred listeners all locked on,
like, just waiting for their favourite MC...
and he's not there anymore.
GRINDAH: Can I please just pay the original fine?
Look, I've got it here.
Mr. Zagravos, please sit down.
Please, can you just take it?
- Mr. Zagravos! - All right!
Stop saying my surname constantly!
- Sit down. - Mr. Zagravos!
Mr. Zagravos!
(JUNGLE MUSIC PLAYS)
Fucking hell! I don't know what... (GROANS)
Where's the coke?
Dunno what I'm supposed to play next.
It's gotta be here.
Fuck off, no!
This'll do, this'll do.
This'll do.
You know what?
Emergency situation calls...
for my little emergency helper,
that's acid. We're gonna be all right.
Yeah, your brain can get tired
but you only use a small percentage of your brain.
And if you take acid for example,
you can actually access
different other bits of your brain.
Bits that aren't as tired.
- (DRUM AND BASS MUSIC PLAYS) - (INDISTINCT SPEECH)
It's like with a plane, you have, like, another engine.
If one engine fails then the other engines will come on,
the spare engines.
If you turn them all on then, fucking hell, you're flying, mate.
Argh, sorry!
DJ BEATS: Door open.
Follow my voice. Follow my voice.
Through this. Through this.
GRINDAH: No comment. No comment.
All right, I think you're out.
GRINDAH: Everybody stand back.
I don't think you're gonna need that jacket, bruv.
What? Where's all the press and shit?
Dunno, I think the clocks went back a few weeks ago.
Oh, is it?
You boys are gonna have to film this, yeah,
because the news crews must have got it mixed up,
you lot could just pick it up and send it over to them.
Pop yourself down there.
Get the court in the background. Yeah?
Okay.
- Ready? - Go.
I would just like to say on behalf of myself,
my family and the BBC,
that justice has been served in Brentford today.
Yes.
Hold tight the judge and big up everyone that's been there
for me in these dark times.
I have escaped jail and I am once again a free man.
It feels good to be out.
- Feels great. Amen. - Amen.
I will be making no further comments on this occasion.
Give my client a bit of space please.
You still got them nuggets?
Nah, Me and Decoy twosed them.
(GRINDAH GROANS)
I'm free, I beat the case!
I beat it!
Daddy's back.
So how much was it?
How much was it? Look at her.
So selfish! I nearly went prison.
Well, obviously I'm glad you didn't, but how much?
Well, surprise, surprise.
You get your eighty pound back.
What? How? That's amazing!
Yeah.
Because basically you've got to read this instead apparently.
Where is it? Here we go. There's some sort of...
I did try asking for a tag instead,
but apparently they don't do trades so...
It's just on the next page...
(GROANS)
What? Seven hundred pounds!
Why is it so much?
I know.
But you can't really put a price on freedom, can ya?
If you could it would be more than seven hundred, mate,
it'd be more like ten grand. So...
You're lucky.
(SIGHS)
GRINDAH: Anyway, it's done now, innit?
(DRUM AND BASS MUSIC PLAYS)
STEVES: It's in there, where'd it go?
It's in the walls, I can hear it in the walls.
(SCREAMS)
Can you hear the scratching?
I think it's trying to communicate.
Tia!
Yeah, that's two pound please.
- Hold on a minute. - Thank you.
You're selling peanuts?
You know that's my thing, copycat.
You just add a bit of spice
to some normal nuts and charge double the price!
What?
INTERVIEWER: So how did you find Tia?
CHABUDDY G: Tia was... You know, she just wandered in
and I just you know, gave her a quick interview
and that was it, you know,
I saw that she had the same street savvy,
entrepreneurial-ship that I have.
Gourmet peanuts three pounds.
No, she wanted to get into the food game.
INTERVIEWER: But you don't make food.
We don't make food yet,
but we will because she has a lot of dreams.
She's very ambitious, like I am.
Okay, and we need to sort out the kitchen,
which means I need the metal bit for the grill.
The metal bit? Is that not in here?
Yeah, it's missing, I don't know where it's gone.
Have you seen it? Where's it gone?
No, I haven't seen it. It was here, wasn't it?
Where is it gone?
Someone must have taken it. Someone must have taken it.
It'll be Abdi. Abdi. Abdi must have...
I mean, this is weird even for him right?
Who are they meant to be?
I mean she's got tits, he's got his tongue fallen off
and two teeth and a gaping mouth.
What is it?
Has he cut my fucking curtains up?
Look at it! It's fucked!
Is that... Is that a fucking grill?
INTERVIEWER: Do you think you'll get Chabuddy to do more work for you?
Yes, I'm gonna get Chabuddy to come round and do more work,
the first thing he's gonna do
is paint over this fucking monstrosity.
This is an SOS.
We've reached the day of reckoning, people.
The Illuminati are everywhere,
The symbol of the Illuminati is the all-seeing eye,
and if you look carefully you can see eyes everywhere.
DJ BEATS: Oh, fucking hell.
GRINDAH: Fuck's that playing?
- DJ BEATS: Stinks of piss, Steves. - GRINDAH: I should have known.
What's going on, man?
GRINDAH: Steves, mate, you've had one of your episodes again.
- What are you doing? - STEVES: What?
Just calm down, mate, get away from the decks.
Steves, just get away from the... (GROANS) Why are you wet?
You fucking stink as well. Get off me.
Get off me. Come on, mate.
STEVES: Has it been eight hours?
There's a pretty pungent smell in here.
You're done, mate, it's over.
What day is it today? Am I finished?
We're done, mate. You're done. You're over. All right, mate.
Yeah, well done, Steves, mate, you done really well.
I did it!
You did it, mate. You did it. Yeah.
If we could just get you through,
- STEVES: Did I do it? - GRINDAH: Yeah.
We need to just get you out of the room for a sec.
Shall I lock him in the bathroom?
Yeah. Wash his face as well. Usually calms him down.
- You washing my face? - Yeah.
- Can we wash my face? - Yeah. Come on.
DJ BEATS: Yeah, Steves does struggle with the longer sets.
I think he gets overwhelmed by it all.
Yeah, he does, it's mainly the daytime ones,
'cause he ain't really used to it, d'ya know what I mean?
I think it just throws off his body clock a little bit.
Yeah.
INTERVIEWER: Oh, so this has happened before?
Yeah, yeah, one time he fucking just burned his bed down,
'cause he decided that he never wanted to sleep again.
That's why he has to sleep on the floor now.
Yeah.
I just want to take this moment for your listening pleasure.
That's my intro.
Fresh out of the pen...
MC Grindah.
(SIGHS)
Sounds of the, sounds of the, sounds of the MC Grindah,
mic check one, two. AKA the white Mandela.
AKA, you can never hold me down.
AKA, I'm finally free from persecution.
It feels great to hear the sound of my own voice again!
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
- Shall I run the? - Run the riddim!
(GARAGE MUSIC PLAYS)
GRINDAH: Basically yeah, us and the law
ha been an ongoing battle from day dot.
It's almost like a game, yeah, that you can't win or lose.
- It just sort of continues. - Although, you can lose.
If you go jail.
Yeah, and if you pay a massive fine as well.
Yeah, but I didn't pay the fine, so I still win.
Well done, mate.
MICHE: This is Grindah's favourite jacket,
this is his, like, signature style.
He could wear this, you know,
from the thirties to the modern day,
like, this is a timeless piece of fashion...
but we need to sell it.
(PHONE CAMERA CLICKS)
I don't think Grindah's going to be happy about it,
but I think deep down this is actually
what he would want me to do,
so that he can have the most beautiful,
perfect wedding day. The best day of his life.
And we don't have to tell him straight away.
(DUB-STEP MUSIC PLAYS)
Good to have you back, mate.
Listen, good to have me back too, mate.
Cheers, mate.
I can't believe I was this close to being in a fucking cell,
some tiny little room
surrounded by bare little weird breres and that.
Yeah.
GRINDAH: We are free men. Yeah?
We will not be ridiculously subjected to your
stupid, little man-made-up laws, mate.
Exactly, subject your law and stick it up your arse.
- Trust me. - Fuck the system.
Fuck the system. Fuck the police.
- Yeah. - Exactly.
Trust me.
Actually, I might...
Yeah, you should probably get that.